webcowgirl

The social ostracism thing is flaring up again. It was weird talking about it with the counsellor, but I think this is something that bothers me more than it does most people, in part because it's been going on for such a long part of my life. It's not helped by the fact that I have this inner voice saying, "You're worthless. Of course people don't want you at their social gatherings. Who would?" At my best it only dings my armor a bit; but it is a voice and a theme with a powerful hold over me. It's one of the reasons I moved here, to find people who can accept me the way I am. And I've realized there are those people who can truly accept me as the non-perfect human being that I am, but the ear for the negative voice listens like rabbits tuned to predators and the negative messages have way more powerful receptors than the positive.

I've got positive, though. I've got a cards party tomorrow, and birthday drinks Saturday. I've got a big fun trip planned to Sicily with people who are excited to spend time with me that should leave me glowing and cheery all the way until my birthday. I think I need to find something social to do Sunday night, though, to keep my spirits up. Spending time by myself does really cook my brain, and there's no doubt in October of last year that I was really suffering from severe isolation related issues. Part of the New Year's goal to "be happy" is to recognize this is something that affects me and just deal with it - not fix it, but manage it, by trying to be around people and keep my spirits up. Changing me is a long process; more short-term happiness makes it easier to do, I think.

My last day in New York went pretty fast. I went by my brother-in-law's for brunch: he of course didn't hear his bell ring & left me on the doorstep panicking. I then went to the restaurant thinking he'd be there. He wasn't, but they let me use their phone, and I called him (waking him up I think) and he came over. Breakfast was good (pancakes & bacon); afterwards I went to his apartment to BS for a while & pick up the crap I'd had shipped there. The 2 new pairs of boots & shoes looked great (I'm wearing the shoes now); Sierra Trading Post rocks! On the other hand, Skirt Sports screwed up and sent me a plain red shirt instead of one with dragons on it. Fail.

Bizarrely, BIL's parting to me was, "Safe flight and have a nice life." It was kind of grim and dispiriting. Thanks, Jeff, no need for me to ever see you again either if that's how you want things to be.

Then it was back to koaloha's to deposit my ill-gotten gains (let's not forget the bagels!) and then head to Leia's. She was done with hanging with her mom for the now and came across the street to sit in the cool outdoor bar and drink vodka lemonade with me in the obscenely pleasant Indian Summer sunshine while little plates of food came by our picnic table. It was really a great visit: highlight - she asked me, "How are you really doing?" No one really seems to ask me that ever, probably because they don't want to hear the answer; given the freedom to speak, I seriously unloaded. Hell, she and I might not see each other for another two years: you have to build the bonds when you have the opportunity. I left feeling much better than I did earlier. It was nice. It's good to have friends that you know are out there for you even if they can't be in the same place as you.

Then it was back to K's with a slight detour (AHEM) through Target to see if I could find an appropriate T-shirt for robotmel (grey with bats or black with silver cobwebs?-your choice) and a box of Count Chocula for shadowdaddy. Then I repacked and reweighed my suitcases, just skidding below the 50 pound max for Big Red, and headed to the airport via the Long Island Railroad and Air Train.

After that everything went like clockwork, including a lovely 5 hour snooze on the plane and an otherwise unremarkable flight and arrival. When I landed, I got my first text about the reorg from my wingman; my second came an hour later, as I headed from Hammersmith underground on the Picadilly: there were no job losses in my team, not one. In retrospect, as I came back to the kicked pile of ants that is Il Postino this week, I discovered 23% losses across the board and some job groups in which 50 people are going for 35 jobs. I've felt embarassed about going around talking up my team to various groups over the last year, like it's the kind of work that only a useless tick would do; but now I feel like I must have done something right, because all my little chickens are safe in the henhouse, every single one. It's a huge relief.

I should write more about the week since I've been back, but it's really been so busy I haven't (and don't) have time, but I can say this: Pilates twice, ballet once (Birmingham Royal Ballet's Romeo and Juliet), dinner with (kinda mentally messed up) team last night, dinner for dr_d tonight. I'm also showing a potential short-term tenant the house tonight and hoping he'll say yes. Meanwhile I'm backlogged on reviews: I wrote up The Scottsboro Boys (new Kander and Ebb!) while I was on the plane, but I still haven't got around to Time Stands Still. Someday, someday.

It's been a busy week for shows, despite spending Wednesday night in Chesterfield. I've got reviews up now for "All My Sons" (Tuesday night) and "Dream of the Dog" (Thursday night); in some ways they were very different (America family drama circa 1947 versus South African white vs black confrontation circa 2010): but structurally they were very similar. And then last night I went to Above the Stag (with booklectic and dr_d as well as shadowdaddy and Andrew) to see the all-male "Dangerous" (a modern day "Dangerous Liaisons"), which was another kettle of fish altogether and which I haven't quite managed to review yet. Soon, though, and it had better be really soon, because I have another play tomorrow night and I need to Get On The Horse.

Tonight was "unbirthday cards unparty," which meant about five people were over, 2 for hardcore cards from earlyish and then four for dinner and cards and chatting and (as it turned out) charades and it was all a really good time.

Last night was also a good time with the play but a special star was seeing koaloha for dinner. When people talk about social networking I think they are talking about making money and getting jobs but for me it's all about people and god damned if I don't use this damned blogging and chat and Twitter shit to help me make real friends in real life. koaloha I met through an LJ post from probably 8 years back about singing showtunes on the subway, and yet years and years later (in fact 2 Christmases ago) I turned this into meeting her in real life and it was great, she was all of the wonderful person I might have guessed but even better in person because there were another thousand stories there waiting to be told, even though she seems like she's really a bit shy. And now I have an invite to come back and see her, me, visit, her, in New York, this October, and you know what, goddammit, I'm gonna buy me a ticket next month and this is going to happen. And she said some stuff about me looking like I've really got my life pretty sorted and I'm doing well and that, well, that made me feel good in a way that's going to last me all week long. Me, I'm almost 43 years old, and my life has really turned upside down in the last six months, but someone who's seen me at both the nadir and now, she says I'm doing alright. That makes me feel good. See you all on the flip side.

Somehow, despite being a person who desperately believes in celebrating my birthday on my birthday, I've managed to have five different birthday celebrations this year, hopefully finishing with last night's trip to see Eonnagata at Sadler's Wells. Let's be clear: the Chevalier D'Eon was a person who at different times in hir life was thought to be a man and then a woman, and lived hir life as both. What we got on stage was two deliciously gorgeous people (Sylvie Guillem, with her long, red hair and longer legs, and Russell Maliphant, bald head and muscular in a more solid way than most male dancers) playing the lead character, sometimes at the same time, sometimes in sequence. I was completely absorbed. It was fun to watch and very sexy and for anyone interested in Japanease culture, the French court, or gender fluidity, it was a must see. Taiko drumming and pannier skirts? Count me in!

Just as much fun was spending the evening with dreamsewingmiko, whose move to London has been a cause for great rejoicing for me. It's rare to find people I really connect with - the ones where I just sit there nattering on because they're so much fun that everything you say to each other leads to a million other things to say and even when you stop there's still so much more to talk about - and she's one of them and when I'm with her time just passes like it isn't the precious commodity it really is ... but it still is because it's the times like these that you're living it for, isn't it?

Anwyay, a great evening, and overall I greet forty-two with much anticipation for a great year.

Saturday night I had a vivid dream about my former best friend, Ann Donovan. I wanted to know why she'd stopped being friends with me. In my dream, it was because of some sort of jealousy regarding her boyfriend (Randy Pape), whom I don't recall ever having a crush on, but in my dream that was the reason. Then in my dream I was asking Randy to please, please find out why she stopped talking to me.

When I think of this today, I realize it was almost ten years ago that this happened. Why do I still have it rolling around in my head? What is it that happens at all? And why do I get so attached to people that to have them break with me like this wrecks me for years? Even five years later I've never forgiven the people that broke with me in Seattle and lied to me about what was going on, letting me stew in suspicion and loneliness and misery. And Tristan Eucker, at least a year or so after she cut me off I finally got closure from her then-boyfriend, Greg Dent, who told me it was my attraction to him that made her slice me out of both of their lives.

But then I remember the people I cut out. Michelle, who got psychotic at me about my ingratitude for things I hadn't known she'd done. Cathy, who turned on me during a wedding for making her unhappy because I was in a couple and she was not. Another person, who attacked me when I was down and made the mistake of calling what she thought was my bluff. John, who thought I should have saved him from a girl he loved and said I was a traitor when I didn't - and yet didn't feel like the upset caused by his insult (or his bizarre logic about my "fault" in the matter) was in any way his problem or a reason for me not to continue our friendship.

So perhaps this is just the way things go, that friendships die, and that the wounds I've suffered are equal to the ones I've inflicted. But I'd like to be able to make them not bother me anymore.

Have you been cut off? Do you have any friendships that ended abruptly and you still grieve over? Any ideas about how to deal with them better?

Yep, spikeylady came out to the far end of the woods and we had us some Eye-talian food for lunch today and a big ol' natter.

spikeylady = <3

All full now! The day can get no better (even though after all that pasta I'd probably benefit from a nap ...)

I have been bubbling over with music for the last week, so Worthy Opponent and I finally went to Julia's to sing tonight. ( My set was ... )

This last week both Worthy Opponent and I have been feeling like we're very short on friends. I've been feeling a profound disconnect from the people that I had considered important parts of my Circle of Friends, and I haven't been able to figure out why. Is it my new job? I've also kind of had a general restlessness lately, a sort of "is that all there is" brought on by night after night of doing not much. I'm not really sure what to do about this. Maybe it's just cabin fever. I'm guessing Thanksgiving will be a big pick-me-up, but I probably need to start "expanding the circle" again. Of course, I could just go have a baby or something and that would keep me too busy for any of these sorts of issues for a few decades.