Boxing day recap

[webcowgirl]

I forgot today was that mysterious holiday, Boxing Day. What the hell are you supposed to celebrate about boxes? Is it like "wrapping paper day" or something? Anyway, I celebrated today by interviewing two people about the Erotic Arts festival (delightfully, Kathlyn of Sex on Screen is actually a former coworker of mine I really liked), then writing for about four hours. That means an 800 word article takes me about an hour per two hundred plus a full hour of editing. I hope the final result was good; it'll go to print on Monday then I'll have a long time to absorb its success or failure, since Tablet is going on hiatus for several months afterwards.

For Lily and Boo, Boxing day was celebrated with a trip to the vet and shots. shadowdaddy celebrated by playing with the old Gameboy, then falling asleep on the couch while I continued typing away. Once the story was wrapped up, we hustled up north for Mexican food with sallysimpleton and her husband. Lots of fun talk about our wicked youths over margaritas. Oh, to be a chicken thief again! Then we got lost in Lake Forest Park while trying to get on the freeway, finally winding up in downtown Bothell (don't blink!) and on our way to Cort's for the Rudolph Drinking party, where we all bellied up as Rudolph's nose glowed.

Question: what is the difference between being polyamorous/dating a married man and being the other woman/dating a married man? I mean, if in both cases the wife knows, what's so particularly better about the first option? For one of the people at the party, it seems that being shut out of the relationshiop left her just as alone in position one as it would have in position two.

Comments

[scarlettina.livejournal.com]

what is the difference between being polyamorous/dating a married man and being the other woman/dating a married man? I mean, if in both cases the wife knows, what's so particularly better about the first option?

Having been involved in such a situation, I'll observe that from my own experience the difference is an extremely subtle one, and mostly in the mind of the three people involved. To the outside world there's really no difference at all. (In the end, for me, there was no difference either, which is why I got out and why I'm unlikely ever to do it again, no matter how strong the emotions may be.)

The theory behind it all is that a polyamorous woman dating a married man will have other relationships as well, that none of these relationships are exclusive and that they're all just as satisfying as the others. Everyone "respects" each other. The "other woman" situation posits that she doesn't want anyone else. In either situation, there's plenty of self-delusion going on, as well as a serious lack of self-respect.

In short, your observation is completely correct: the third party is alone and, often, very lonely and fairly resentful. I've never met any woman in such circumstances who didn't ultimately feel that way. Having tried it, I'll take monogamy over polyamory any time. It keeps things simple, trustworthy and real.

[ciphergoth.livejournal.com]

I'm sorry your experience of poly didn't go well. Of course no relationship style guarantees success or happiness, but you'll be happy to know that lots of people are living successful, happy, polyamorous relationships, and have been for years.

actually ...

[webcowgirl.livejournal.com]

I'm more of a serial monogamist myself. I tend to focus on one person at a time, although I will occasionally get distracted (but not do anything about it). I was actually talking about someone who was at the party that night. It was odd to have her talking about "ending" a polyamorous relationship ... I would have expected by nature of it being poly that there would be another relationship or two going on so she wasn't feeling so left out in the cold. It sounded as painful as any breakup, but like she was being shut out by LOTS of people instead of just one. That didn't seem to be how things should go.

The whole poly community in Seattle seems generally weird in ways that are a little hard to explain. What you write about in London (and earlier in Edinburgh) seems really different. Of course, I wonder how much of my interpretation is based upon an extremely lucid expression of one person's very positive experience rather than a neutral analysis of the scene as a whole. But the poly people I tend to meet in Seattle tend to not be very ... happy. And so many of them seem lonely! I do wonder if my life would be different if I'd grown up there instead of here. You were lucky to get rid of the Puritans when you did ... they really mucked things up here.

[scarlettina.livejournal.com]

...you'll be happy to know that...

Actually, I'll be happy to be skeptical about this subject and remain so. Polyamorous relationships, from my experience, seem to be much more positive experiences for those who are in a central relationship around which they build their outside involvements. Those who are the outside involvements, in my experience, tend not to be the happy ones.

And I should clarify my position: I'm serially monogamous. When I'm with one person, that's who I'm with. Like webcowgirl, I have, on occasion, been distracted, but not recently.

Anyway, since I'm not interested in a long discussion on the subject, I'll conclude my remarks by saying that I'm willing to agree to disagree with you and leave it at that.