Nobody cares what I'm doing right now

[webcowgirl]

I'm frantically surfing the web looking for someone with a black persian kitty for me to adopt (in case the black feral kitty at my sister in law's office is just too wild to have a good home here). But what I'm really finding is a world of stunningly bad web design, featuring animation (moving stars and rippling water), music clips, and a frantic over use of fairies, flowers, (American) flags, and Jesus pictures. Where the hell have these people been for the last five years? My sense of aesthetics is damaged from all of this bad shit.

I also am trying to get my story on Michael Kenna done for Tablet. It's due tomorrow so I'm going to be very busy ... especially since I'm taking shadowdaddy to the train station at 7 AM for his jaunt to Whistler (Canada, to ski). It's going to be a lonely, lonely weekend.

Comments

Switch the Focus

[sallysimpleton.livejournal.com]

I think it's sort of about what you focus on--if you keep reminding yourself that shadowdaddy is gone this weekend, you'll be miserable. But if you focus on the things that you can do that he doesn't particularly enjoy doing, it'll be win-win because you're doing something you really want to do that he wouldn't be excited about and he doesn't have to do whatever that is later. But that's always how I look at it so I don't get lonely like I used to when T would have business trips. You can also console yourself that you're in a warm house, not having to be stuck doing something you don't want to do (skiing or snowboarding, I take it). HTH.

Re: Switch the Focus

[webcowgirl.livejournal.com]

Actually there is only one thing I am sure I'll be doing this weekend - going to work at 1 AM Saturday morning. Yuck. And that's that's realy going to mess up the rest of the weekend - I can't really make any plans because I have no idea how strung out I'm going to be on Saturday. Well, I do have dinner plans for Friday (and a game party afterwards) and a cookie party Sunday afternoon. It's still more tiem by myself than I like though - Thursday night, all day Friday (off to make up for Saturday) and Saturday after I get back from work. Yeah, boo hoo me. But I really don't feel like I have much to look forward to this weekend. (Just wait, I'll wind up going out all four nights in a row and look like a complete party animal.)

Re: Switch the Focus

[dagmar-b.livejournal.com]

i was just about to say... that doesn't give me much hope that the "cookies, candles, and christmas party" invite that you sent me will be very much fun if you don't even consider that as something to do during your weekend. nor your plans of visiting with another friend afterwards.

Re: Switch the Focus

[webcowgirl.livejournal.com]

I guess I'm kind of obsessed with how cranky putting in an 8 hour shift starting at 1 AM is going to make me - it just really blows the day before and the day after, and having shadowdaddy here last time made it so much easier for me. Really, seeing you on Sunday is going to be a big burst of sunshine in my whole weekend - and I should be recovered from my crappy Saturday by then. I'm so happy you said you'd go - I really thought it would be too ... I don't know, too many people you don't know, not an exciting enough event to make up for it.

Also, apparently a self-deprecating sense of sarcasm doesn't come over very well in LJ entries.

[motomotoyama.livejournal.com]

Why don't you like to spend much time by yourself? I'm asking seriously, just in case this comes across as condescending. I used to feel that way too, and I couldn't figure out why. Maybe you've got more of an insight. Now, I am fine hanging out by myself, and actually look forward to quiet nights alone sometimes. (In fact, I occasionally get cranky if I don't get enough "me" time.) Perhaps the reason for my change in attitude is that the time alone is rarer now than it used to be, and I have less time for real boredom. Sometimes I get restless and want to go out with someone and can't find anyone to play with me, but I can usually find something to do to distract myself.

poor hardwiring

[webcowgirl.livejournal.com]

It's weird, an evening now and then is OK (and really it's so much better now that I'm with people during the day), but I've been feeling very isolated lately, like Jason is my only friend, so I'm a little more susceptible to getting the blues than I might be. (I have received one phone call from a friend in the last two weeks ... not good.) I try to be attentive to those underlying bluesy feelings, and usually I try to plan around them by loading up on activities, but it's a little hard with the stupid prop night in the middle of Saturday at 1 AM.

To answer your question very seriously, what I've noticed is that a lot of the time if he's not around for several days I just kind of start to shut down and have a hard time getting motivated to leave the house to do ANYTHING. I don't know why I'm like that - I would guess because I don't have any family support system, especially since my grandma died (the one who died last year), and that it's a problem that goes back about 20 years. But I was joking a bit more effectively than I intended to, possibly because he was watching over my shoulder while I was typing and I wanted to lay it on a bit thick. I'll clarify in a sec.

I did actually tell him he should probably go on this skiing weekend, because I knew he would enjoy it so much. It's not like I was clinging to his pantleg begging him not to leave me to my doom. I'm much, much better than I was six or seven years ago, I guess because he does actually keep coming back home.

Re: poor hardwiring

[motomotoyama.livejournal.com]

Oh, no, I didn't think you were weeping and begging him not to go. Your reply to sallysimpleton where you said it's more time alone than you'd like was what prompted me to respond. Not this particular instance of feeling lonely, but the overall reason for your not liking to be alone. If that makes sense.

Re: poor hardwiring

[webcowgirl.livejournal.com]

I've looked at people who didn't have my problem and I seriously think it comes down to the family ties thing. If you have that aura of security it just makes everything better. Of course, with a copy of Kushiel's Avatar in my hot little hands I'd probably be hard-pressed to remember exactly what I was supposed to be missing over the next four days. (We have a "Venice" conference room with a beautiful mural of Venice on this floor, and every time I have a meeting there I daydream about Phedre and Joscelin floating by in a little gondola.)

Re: poor hardwiring

[motomotoyama.livejournal.com]

It's funny, because I used to hate being alone because when I was growing up, I was hardly ever alone. Even though I was a latchkey kid, I always had my sister there, and my grandmother lived with us and was around a lot when my parents couldn't be. This made it very hard for me in my first few relationships. I always wanted my S.O. with me, unless I had someone else to hang out with. Plus, I think that I'm dealing with my anxiety disorder now, whereas I had no idea such a thing existed when I was younger.

Now that I'm older and a bit more jaded, I have a very different outlook on life and relationships, but this may change if I'm ever not single again.

Re: poor hardwiring

[webcowgirl.livejournal.com]

Growing up I spent my days in the house with my mom passed out in the bedroom for hours, telling me to be quiet and not bug her. I had a little sister there, but we didn't really have anything to do with each other since she was so very much younger than me. When she was "with" my stepdad, I'd have to avoid situations where I'd be alone with him, so I'd hide in my room. My life at home felt to me like being alone. That's why summers in Kansas with my grandma were so nice. She liked doing stuff with me. (Oops. I'm getting kind of weepy thinking about her. Not appropriate at the workplace.)

J was the first guy after the first boyfriend (six years later) who actually said he wanted to spend more time with me ... I was always trying to steel myself to spend plenty of time alone. I scared away many boyfriends because I wanted them to be with me ALL the TIME. Partially that's because that was how my first boyfriend and I did it, every single night together (and many days) for over a year.

I'm sure I'm going on too much. Things are so much better for me than they used to be. I'm a much happier person that I was back in those days when I had so little control over my life and what happened to me.