webcowgirl: (Barbaro)
Wow. I've spent rather a lot of today going through my entries from 2003. I started because I was trying to figure out how I dealt with my last lay off (back in May 2003), but I've been reading through the whole series of entries with horrified fascination realizing that not only is this all going to end with me getting a job that I really loved, but that all of the support I'm getting during this period of time from my four girlfriends (C, R, M, and I) is about to evaporate at the end of the summer, leading to the state of extreme distress that plunged me so deep into depression that only the magic wonder of J, P, L & L here in the UK was able to pull me back out. And I'm still damaged from those girls turning their backs on me. And it's 2011. Wow.

I've been in a pretty good mood still from this last weekend but somehow I'm thinking I'd better stop reading this stuff so I can stay in a good state. But really, these postcards from another life are amazing for me to read now. Wish I'd known [livejournal.com profile] varina8 and [livejournal.com profile] ms_vermilion back then, things could have gone a lot differently. Not a one of the people I wrote about over the three months of reading I did is talking to me now.
webcowgirl: (Default)
It's so odd to look at the picture of Jason on Facebook and feel like he's already a stranger to me.

I hate that I'm jealous that so many more people wanted to see him when he came to Seattle than wanted to see me. Probably part of the reason that this happened is because I'm the kind of person that gets upset at things like this, and the fact that he's the kind of person that doesn't notice things like that makes him the kind of person people want to be around more than they do me. But it still makes me crazy. Being ignored, being disliked, being slighted, feeling abandoned, feeling betrayed, these things all prick me like needles when they don't prick me like sharp knives going between my ribs. I can spend my life being loyal, standing up to any kind of abused dished out to me, being a person who always sticks to her word, being as kind and generous and focused on enabling the happiness of others as I can and yet none of this will earn me friends or even respect. Sometimes it's actively earned me the hatred of others. And some people can see that these things are true and still find me easily hated.

Just appearing to be nice is so much more likable.

Being someone who will actually come through when people need you, no matter what the cost is personally (or socially), this doesn't matter. Strength of character and convictions, the ability to withstand any kind of social pressure to do the thing you know is right, these things are nothing compared to creating the appearance of likability.

Oh yeah, and complaining about this stuff, it's just absolutely something that makes people hate you. Nobody likes a trouble maker. And I gotta stand up for that, I am a trouble maker, I do call bullshit. I could tell right away when things had changed within J, and I said so, and he was angry at me, but two years later it's clear I was right, and the mistakes I made after that really all came down to misplaced loyalty, or just not realizing that the problems I saw weren't temporary.

But even my relatives like him more than me. Friends I've known for a decade prefer him to me. If I'm going to be so unlikable, can I at least have some spark of genius, some drive that pushes me so that I can have something I can really be proud of and that can absorb my attention wholly?
webcowgirl: (I Miss America)
First, Cognitive Behavioral Therapy appears to cancel the risk of suicidal thinking or behavior associated with taking antidepressant medication for adolescents.

Second, how you argue with your spouse can determine how likely you are to have heart disease (or something like that, basically if I keep it pent up, I will die).

Third, friends with benefits also come with stress, though it's not about what I expected.

Fourth, Marcel Proust liked watching caged rats get stabbed with hairpins. (And someone else who is getting ready to plunge into Sodom and Gomorrah besides me and [livejournal.com profile] grahamsleight - it does feel lonely reading this book at times.)

Finally, 9/11 is over - it's time for 9/12. "You may think Guantánamo Bay is a prison camp in Cuba for Al Qaeda terrorists. A lot of the world thinks it’s a place we send visitors who don’t give the right answers at immigration. I will not vote for any candidate who is not committed to dismantling Guantánamo Bay and replacing it with a free field hospital for poor Cubans. Guantánamo Bay is the anti-Statue of Liberty." I like that.
webcowgirl: (HappyHat)
I tend to feel like I'm a baby because I'm so, well, "addicted to touch." I went out with a lot of guys that hated the whole PDA thing, and it made me feel self-conscious and needy.. But this article in the New York Times made me feel better: "Holding Loved One's Hand Can Calm Jittery Neurons." Check out these quotes:

" 'The effect of this simple gesture of social support is that the brain and body don't have to work as hard, they're less stressed in response to a threat.' "

"The brain's alarm system ... often becomes overactive in situations that are nagging but not life threatening like worries over relationships, deadlines, money or homework. Easy access to an affectionate touch in these moments — or to a hug, a back rub or more — 'is a very good thing, is deeply soothing,' Dr. Coan said."

"[A] touch between close partners can blunt the sensation of physical pain, which is related to the level of anticipation. All of which also explains why the withdrawal or absence of affectionate touch can be so upsetting."

Anyway, I really liked the article, even though, in its own way, it was smooshy. It made me feel better about being wired the way I am.

Also: does her shirt really say "Because Rabbits Deserve Butter?" I swear, every time I look at that picture of that man holding a rabbit three times the size of my cat, that's what I see ...
webcowgirl: (Default)
I must remember that when people complain, a lot of time it really isn't because they would like to find a way to make things different, it's because they want sympathy or they just like to listen to themselves talk.

Ooh, look, [livejournal.com profile] shadowdaddy just brought home mint chocolate chip ice cream.

LiveJournal Haiku!
Your name:webcowgirl
Your haiku:much work to do if
nothing else a few good puns
take the pain away
Created by Grahame
webcowgirl: (ActionFigure)
I was sitting in the Green Room at the Rep over the weekend and realized ... I have been pushing, pushing, pushing myself for over a year now. I have not given myself a break. First it was the Japanese class (twice a week and a TON of homework), then it was voice lessons, then it was the show (when I burned the candle at both ends and then broke it in two and started burning from the middle, too).

So I have made a resolution. I am going to Take a F**king Break until November. I will audition for no shows, I will buy no season tickets to anything, I will take no classes.

I will chill out more. I will spend time with friends. I will spend more time with [livejournal.com profile] shadowdaddy (not that we weren't already going to all the shows and playing games and seeing movies together anyway, but still, the show was a pain, and the last year had been too busy for us). I will also probably still work myself to the bone at my job, but that can't be helped.

I will also let myself write. Look at my resolutions for this year: the one I have not done was to submit an application to be a freelancer for The Stranger. Will you all (especially my writer friends) harp on me about this at least once a week until I get it done?

Humorously, I did the haiku and got this: )
webcowgirl: (Default)
In which I whine about people who don't like me... )

At 8 I headed over to R-Place to meet [livejournal.com profile] miss_villanelle and Rebecca (and later, to my surprise, [livejournal.com profile] motomotoyama) for "Queer Eye for the Straight Guy." To my irritation, Bravo decided to change their schedule unannounced, and my first hour was pretty much wasted (although I did get to see the video for "Dirty," and it just makes me ask, do teenaged girls really think that orange skin and a whole lot of eyeliner is the sexy part of Christina/Brittany whatever she is?). But the show itself was a big laugh, and I loved being surrounded by a bar-full of people who were laughing at a lot of the unintentional humor. Yeah, it was funny to hear one of the "Fab Five" say that this week's token straight guy was "hung like a bee," but it was funnier to hear them laugh when TSG kissed one of the F5 on the cheek and then wiped his lips like it might have been catching. I think I can do this every week!

I'm sure I had something I wanted to complain about but I can't remember what it is, and I've got lots of work to do today so I'm going to hop to it. Lunch at 12:15 under the Aurora Bridge - who wants to join me?


webcowgirl: (Default)

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