webcowgirl: (Twit/ter)
Wow, I posted on Twitter that I was looking for a roommie, and 10 minutes later got a response from someone in the Twitter theater community that she was looking, and for the price and dates I was offering ... she came by that evening and is moving in April 1. So for two or three months or so I will be having a female theater junkie living with me, and I'm exciting about having someone who I can come home and witter on about shows with. It'll be fun!

Speaking of which I went last night to Watford (somewhere north of London) and saw a very good play called Love Love Love. I think the play imagines it's about how selfish the hippie generation was (and how they're responsible for how shit England is now) but in fact it's really about how fucked up families can be and still function. I really enjoyed it a lot.

Tonight I went and saw a show called the "Hot Mikado" up in Finchley (at the Arts Depot, no, I can't really tell you where it is either). It was definitely an amateur production and while I enjoyed the songs and dancing and the way it had fun with the real Mikado but it was just too sloppy in too many important ways to actually refer anyone up there unless they're a desperate G&S fan looking for a new good time (or they have a friend in the show in which case they already know about it). The Seattle Gilbert and Sullivan society did not have actors who flubbed lines. And it wasn't horrible, but ... though truth be told I liked it a lot more than Ordinary Days.

Of course it doesn't help that I'm sick. I came down with something yesterday and spent the day in a conference blowing my nose and sneezing. Thank God the last talk of the day involved two women wearing super hero costumes and attempting to kindnap a giant stuffed ladybug and (later) sing Abba songs with the lyrics changed to be about software testing. It was utterly surreal and I loved it.

Cold or no cold I'm off to Inverness tomorrow to visit [livejournal.com profile] noirem, a trip I've owed her since Christmas. I think it will be lovely to see her and her lovely boy and I'm looking forward to four days with no work. Oddly despite the major bad things that have happened this week I'm feeling fairly calm and not stressed out by life. I'm also really enjoying reading Gods Behaving Badly, a book [livejournal.com profile] varina8 gave me when I came to Seattle.

Calm. Good. I'm wondering if my mental health strategy, and the Get Happy plan, are actually working. I'm avoiding stressful events and people, focusing on doing things that make me happy (like reading silly books and seeing my friends), and taking care of myself with Pilates (also good for serotonin I think) and counseling. I feel like I'm bouncing back faster from bad things. That does kind of make me think I'm on the right track. Who knows, maybe it will stick.
webcowgirl: (Tiger monkey)
Last night was mostly focused on the relationship aspect of my life. I want it to be nice and smooth and non-stressful. Apparently part of the "emotional deprivation" issues I have is serious bad reactions to withdrawal of affection. This is only made worse by my "abandonment" issues - I will push people away rather than experience the gut-wrenching destruction of being left behind.

You can see how these things might feed into each other.

Anyway, it was a busy session with tears, before, after, and during. It was a rough day. And it got rougher after I came home and got a message saying that my dog, Shadow, had inoperable stomach cancer and was going to have to be put down. That was really bad.

Today at work I was very heads down. I had my end of year wrap up with my boss which went super positively. I will talk about it in another post.

I feel better today. I feel like my head is more settled. I've spent the night watching nature videos, cooking, and drinking some Rioja. And I found a new roommate to move in. She'll be here come April 1st. She's a theater nut like me. Hopefully the next two or three months with her will be fun. I'm looking forward to it.
webcowgirl: (Jizo)
Me to Dad: I'm lonely, would you please come visit?
Dad to me: I am busy trying to make something of my retirement years of which AYE can feel proud.

I really don't know what to say to this. It was my grandma holding us together all that time, I think.
webcowgirl: (flower)
I have got things to be happy about, and I'm trying to remind myself of them today, when I'm feeling very down. I did something very spontaneous and hopeful (hopeful that it will go alright!)and booked a trip by myself to see the Linnaeus gardens in Sweden with the Wakefield and North of Yorkshire Tulip society. I'm going via Copenhagen, and it's all happening the weekend of June 17 when the days are crazy long, so I booked an extra day just to see the city. I'm hoping the whole thing will be just amazingly beautiful and cool and that I will enjoy hanging out with other die-hard flower fanatics. Then the following weekend will start with me and W celebrating his birthday in Edinburgh. Really, I have a lot to look forward to, but there are so many unknowns in my future I sometimes get distracted from what I do have to enjoy.
webcowgirl: (Default)
Tomorrow I'm going to Lyme Regis with [livejournal.com profile] robot_mel and [livejournal.com profile] beluosus to spend a weekend writing and geeking and drinking and enjoying each other's company. On the way up we will have Bookclub on a Train! How cool does that sound? The Degenerate Book Club is well served by 19th century forms of transportation and, while we won't get to experience first class seating in the way that Miss Lily Bart of The House of Mirth did, I think we'll enjoy ourselves more. We're celebrating our one year anniversary as a book club; it's been a huge success and a great way for us to continue building our frienship/s.

Yesterday I met up with Robin (American moving back to US shortly) to see The Red Shoes at Battersea Arts Center. Both of us found it oddly unaffecting, perhaps because they stripped the heroine's vanity out of the retelling. Or we're just major burnouts. Either way, I'm all up for her idea of a video-game inspired "let's level up!" retelling of The Magic Flute, and Coronation of Poppea in a bar. It's a damned shame she's moving to Portland; she's the kind of friend you find once in a decade and to have her slip between my fingers so soon vexes me. We have projects! We have plans! We have conspiracies! *sigh*

Work. I am flat. Joy of the day was Josh calling to invite me to dinner at 7:10 PM, just after I finished Pilates up in Archway.

Meanwhile my ankle keeps popping out, but my Pilates instructor has done a good job of keeping me from falling over anymore. Now if only my counselor could do the same thing with my life, but I'll settle for her to see some ballet with me now and then.

Census meme

Mar. 9th, 2011 10:57 pm
webcowgirl: (Default)
I'm not up for it, really, just thinking about where I am now is really depressing.

2011. Have had current job for 1 1/2 years. Am senior managerial type. No idea where my life is going. Live in rented flat. Actively seeking to get to a better place headwise.
2001. Have low level manager job in soon to implode dot-com. Not having good luck making friends in Seattle. Heavily involved in volunteering in my local community. Living with man and dog I love (both of them, not just the dog) in house we love with car that always works. Thought I had my life worked out, including retirement location.
1991. Working in Tempe at the "Coffee Plantation" and living in a rented house with 6 other roommates. Dating guy who makes fun of me when I'm not around. Roommates and friends keep drifting away from me. Extremely poor. Decide to learn how to type to see if it helps me get a better job.
1981. Living in trailer park in central Arizona mining community. Not able to fit into local cliques. Spend a lot of time rollerskating in the basketball court and listening to Xanadu when I'm not reading science fiction.
1971. Mom has moved us to Arizona. This is, I think, the first summer I spend at my grandparents house in Kansas, something I will continue to do for decades, and as often as possible until my grandmother dies in 2002.
webcowgirl: (Tiger monkey)
The last twenty-four hours have been very difficult for personal and work reasons, and for that reason I think counseling tonight focused on my immediate issues rather than anything deeper ("but the surface reflects the turmoil beneath," the counselor said). I thanked him for his advice in dealing with my work issues (which were hopefully wrapped up Monday in the mediation session I went to, which, shall we say, completely blew my ability to do anything else for the rest of the day other than sleep on the train). He's said my boss is protective toward women, and that showing him some emotional response would probably aid my cause; I feel it's bad form to do anything more than stick to the facts when dealing with work people, but, well, needs must and they did.

Otherwise, well, I think we talked a bit about my abandonment issues (although he found it very interesting that I'd rather be by myself than live with someone who hates me), and rather a lot about my life right now, and that's not something I particularly feel like sharing with the world as it's not so much about dealing with my big issues and learning about schema therapy as it is about the wonderful world of wishes and horses.

I was filling out a form in which I had to say "agree/disagree" (on a scale) to statements like, "I don't deserve things I enjoy" and "I try to do things to distract myself from my problems." I'll be doing distracting the next few days. Thank God I've been very seriously engaged in project Get Happy as I don't think I'd have been able to bounce back from all this stress as soon as I'm sure I will, but my feeling is that a little push today, some good company tonight, and everything will be right as rain. That big picture stuff ("Do you avoid thinking about your life?") can just sit on the burner, I've got to Get Happy Now and I know I can do it.

Also, Pilates yesterday kicked my ass, with the immediate result that I'm ready to do it again ASAP. :-D
webcowgirl: (Barbaro)
Apparently I'm so used to being dished out abuse that it's actually the kind word that makes me cry these days.
webcowgirl: (flower)
This has been, I think, a very successful weekend, despite my being stood up on Friday night. Yesterday Sophie (a game designer I met on Twitter) came over a bit before lunch and got to work in my garden; she's missing hers and has become an "itinerant gardener" paid in the fine salary of home made lunches. [livejournal.com profile] wechsler showed up just in time for the stacked enchiladas I made; afterward we "dug back in" and just ripped through six months of weedy and brushy growth. The weeds are really knocked out now, and I think the hazels are finally done for; perhaps I'll actually have some luck growing dahlias this year. Then it was time for tea and crumpets and warming up - it was very cold all day - and Sophie went home and [livejournal.com profile] wechsler and I went out for some nice curry. Really, exactly what I'd be hoping my life here would be like, loving my house with its garden and feeling very homey and centered - the total opposite of how I felt last weekend when work was driving me crazy.

I just barely managed to get my review of Northern Ballet's Cleopatra (the ballet, which I kind of think [livejournal.com profile] robot_mel might like as it's pretty close to the actual history, so keep in mind for May when it's at Sadler's Wells) done before Sophie showed up, but I'm still behind two reviews, one for the butoh thing and one for the puppet show I saw last Sunday. But really, what I need to do is clean my house, as I won't be here for most of the next three weekends, go to Amy's house for the stich 'n bitch, timing it just right to hit the Ritzy in Brixton for the King's Speech. And then go out to dinner. I don't really see how the writing is going to happen at this rate. Solution? Nap. The shows have both closed anyway and I need the sleep.
webcowgirl: (Ballet)
This week has been a blur. I think there's been a lot of stress stuff going on - God knows this past weekend I was a wreck. I was very stressed and wanted to hide at home and even the thought of being around people who just make me mildly uncomfortable was too much - I was in full-on social phobic mode. Mr. Wechsler did a nice job of shepherding me though all that.

Things started improving, I don't know, Monday, when I realized my boss wasn't going to talk to me at work, and I had a full slate of things to entertain and distract myself with. I saw Jordi Savall play at Cadogan Hall on Monday night - he was amazing as ever and I thought, Wow, why can't I see him play more than once a year? Tuesday I had counselling and made fried chicken at home and watched nature videos. Wednesday I went to the Royal Opera House and saw the brand new ballet version of Alice in Wonderland. I found it mixed. More even was Northern Ballet's Cleopatra, which I went to see in Leeds last night. It's all really strange to me, this traveling to see art and spending the night away from home and doing all of this stuff by myself, but rather a lot of the last year has been about this kind of thing and I guess I'm handling it alright although I really wish I had someone to talk to and hang out with right now, tonight, as I sit here at home.

Tonight I was supposed to go with someone I had hung out with once to see the Bartabas/Ko Moborushi butoh done with horses thing at Sadlers Wells. Person in question blew me off. The show was really good; it seemed to be dwelling on very Japanese concepts but the narration was not really good for the show, I think. Too bad [livejournal.com profile] thewronghands wasn't there; she would have been a perfect companion. At any rate, I wanted to see it badly enough to go by myself, and always had been willing to do so; I'm aggravated that I wound up paying for two tickets, though. There was probably someone in London who would have killed to go if they'd just known they could get in as the entire run is very sold out.

Anyway, gardening tomorrow, and recovery from so much going this week. And the radio station I listen to here ("Smooth Radio") has been playing all the disco hits, and has just moved on to Michael Jackson's "Don't Stop 'til You Get Enough." All these years and I still don't understand the words.
webcowgirl: (Proust quote)
The books I am reading: The House of Mirth (Edith Wharton), Wigs on the Green (Nancy Mitford).

The book I am writing: working on my first short story.

The book I love most: In Search of Lost Time? Hard to say for me.

The last book I received as a gift: Lady Audley's Secret from [livejournal.com profile] booklectic.

The last book I gave as a gift: Proust's Days of Reading. Not sure if the person I sent it to has received it yet.

The nearest book on my desk: the Degenerate Book Club is meeting on the train to Lyme Regis next Friday, and I'm trying to race through House of Mirth.
webcowgirl: (Bottlecap)
I was going to write about Schema Therapy the 7th but mostly we talked about stuff going on at work. I was also asked to explain what the rules of poly are. Basically, too much stuff to talk about on a very full stomach with half a bottle of wine and rather a lot of fried chicken in me. I made it to the physio intake session and was given some strengthening and proprioception exercises as well as a referfal for further physio this morning. Tonight I made a dinner of fried chicken, mashed potatoes and gravy, green beans, and homemade (totally from scratch) strawberry shortcake. And I had two glasses of wine and watched David Attenboroughs "these are some volcanoes" series. I'm ready to fall over now. TTYL.
webcowgirl: (snow)
The cold weather is holding on. Brr.

Yesterday at work nothing happened. I'm guessing it'll go down Wednesday. Today I'm off working in our location near Reading so I get a free ride stress-wise. I slept much better last night (this night?) than I did the night before but I can tell my back is a knotted up wreck. Beforehand I'm going to try to hit the physio clinic at the hospital and see if I can actually get through the intake appointment before I need to catch a train.

I'm reading "House of Mirth" and enjoying it a lot.

Last night I went and saw Jordi Savall perform at a concert in honor of the 125th anniversary of the Spanish trade mission in London and it was GREAT. He's quite a performer, the best in the world, I think. Sunday I saw a lovely puppet show that I need to write up and then went to Drink Shop Do for afternoon tea. I loved it and want to have a pre-birthday thing there on June 20th now.

And now off the couch and down to the hospital. My ankle did its painful thing yesterday while I was getting on a bus so I'd like that to go away now, please.

Fix me

Feb. 26th, 2011 12:20 am
webcowgirl: (GirlCatStars)
Nice people came over tonight and I liked this very much.

They played "Ring My Bell" on the radio and I liked this, too.

It is best not to describe my ridiculous life too much but talking to other people about it and laughing at how ridiculous it is makes it hurt less. And then I found an ancient porn re-write of Star Wars I remember reading in Playboy when I was growing up. And this was also funny.

And that was my Friday. I'm going to read about Little Bo Peepio again and have a laugh then go to bed.
webcowgirl: (Morning cuppa)
I've hit a trifecta of work, love life, and friendship stress this week, and I'm way, way down today. There was some fun, though: "Anna Nicole: The Opera" blew me away (yes, Anna Nicole, the girl with the giant boobs who married an 80 year old dude and died before she hit 40), Pilates was good last night and amazing on Monday, and I blazed through work this week as most of my colleagues were off. I also managed to get everything booked for my trip to Sicily except for the hotel I'm staying at on Vulcano. And I booked tickets to see my best friend in the States at the end of May.

But still, Stuff. I wasn't able to concentrate well today because of it and I was further brought down by not being able to get into physio. And ... well, you know, kinda yay weekend but I really hope I find something to do on Saturday day. Hopefully being around people for cards tonight will cheer me up. And with that, I need to get off of my mopey ass and clean the house.
webcowgirl: (BooBear)
The social ostracism thing is flaring up again. It was weird talking about it with the counsellor, but I think this is something that bothers me more than it does most people, in part because it's been going on for such a long part of my life. It's not helped by the fact that I have this inner voice saying, "You're worthless. Of course people don't want you at their social gatherings. Who would?" At my best it only dings my armor a bit; but it is a voice and a theme with a powerful hold over me. It's one of the reasons I moved here, to find people who can accept me the way I am. And I've realized there are those people who can truly accept me as the non-perfect human being that I am, but the ear for the negative voice listens like rabbits tuned to predators and the negative messages have way more powerful receptors than the positive.

I've got positive, though. I've got a cards party tomorrow, and birthday drinks Saturday. I've got a big fun trip planned to Sicily with people who are excited to spend time with me that should leave me glowing and cheery all the way until my birthday. I think I need to find something social to do Sunday night, though, to keep my spirits up. Spending time by myself does really cook my brain, and there's no doubt in October of last year that I was really suffering from severe isolation related issues. Part of the New Year's goal to "be happy" is to recognize this is something that affects me and just deal with it - not fix it, but manage it, by trying to be around people and keep my spirits up. Changing me is a long process; more short-term happiness makes it easier to do, I think.
webcowgirl: (Tiger monkey)
First, I just had a huge cup of hot chocolate with cinnamon in it. Yum! I deserved it, I did cardio at work today, then I did Pilates with [livejournal.com profile] wechsler at the Y, Carlo as ever kicked our asses, and THEN I had counseling and a half-hour walk across the common (in the brrr) to get back home. So hot chocolate was totally deserved.

Counseling today focused on this "rate each of these statements 1-7 "this isn't like me at all" "this perfectly describes me" " worksheet I filled out. It had about 7 or so questions on each of the different schemas. He focused on the high ones - obviously I feel like I'm socially ostracized (and not because I just feel it, you can't pretend it's in your head when people are going around talking about how they don't want anything to do with you, whatever their reasons are), but I also suffer from the emotional deprivation. However, he was curious because I didn't say I feel like I'm unlovable by anyone who really knows me. I know I'm not: I know at least one person who knows me to the bone and loves me, and one who almost does. I know one of my friends has said in talking about zir depression that zee believed that anyone who said they loved zir had just been fooled by zir. But I know that's not true. That said, I still feel essentially worthless, and doubt that I will have any partner in my life at all this time next year, and think it's quite likely that I won't find someone else who loves me wholeheartedly like that again.

Then we talked about some upcoming changes, and about why I would feel hurt to have Mr Webcowboy say that living with me would be a step backwards in his life. Perhaps, the counselor suggested, I have always been expecting him to leave me, and this just confirms my inner belief that I'm unlovable ... and that's why it hurt so much to feel rejected by him? Who knows.

He also asked me if I thought the sessions were going well, and what I thought he was getting out of them. I guess maybe this is because I feel that people will betray me. Well, I don't think he will, and he has a good rapport with me, and I think he takes pride in his work and wants to leave me better than when he started seeing me. Hopefully he felt reassured. At any rate, the night went quickly, and it's already 11 now that I've written this up and I'm going to bed.
webcowgirl: (Flamenco)
You know, I wasn't going to do it but I went ahead and wrote up the Eva Yerbabuena show from Friday. Most of my good memories are of sitting in my seat with Alison on my side making comments on the boy dancers' cute butts but I didn't add that into the review - let's just call it some flavor.

Yesterday was just full up, I felt at one point like I was going to have a nervous breakdown but I was pretty sure I'd just had way, way too much caffeine. I was up at 10, at Oval at 12:30 to meet Josh and Mark (I'm in love with Mark, he's the smarted guy I've met in ages and a sweetheart, very happy for Josh to have found such a good partner), spent 90 minutes gossiping about my trainwreck of a life but then wonderfully transitioning into talk about Egypt and Johnny's Seasoned Salt and all other sorts of nonsense, then back to theirs for a brief visit.

They drove me to Marylebone (what! Driving to John Lewis - in Central London? Shock!) for my spa appointment with [livejournal.com profile] lovelybug. This turned out to be a bit of a joke as the address on the Groupon did NOT match the location of the spa. It took us almost an hour to get to where it actually is, and then we had to wait for another 30 minutes or so to be seen. Still, we had a great visit, we loved being steamed and exfoliated (though I got a little overheated in the steam room - lightheaded - and had to go cool off), and we were both nice and mellow for sitting on the soft couches and decompressing afterward. So yay in general.

Then believe it or not it was rush back to Tooting to meet a total stranger for dinner at 7:30. We had a good chat about horses and plants over a bottle of wine and plates of Indian food and it looks like I've found someone to go to the Bartabas horse/man show at Sadler's Wells. We yapped on until 9:30. Overall, a good day but MAN I do not know the concept of a "relaxing Sunday."
webcowgirl: (Flamenco)
Friday night after a mind-numbing day at work (four hour meetings will do that to you), I went to see Eva Yerbabuena at Sadler's Wells with my Pilates instructor (she just got herself a website so I had to give it a link). She's really fantastic company but I wish the dance had been a little more on - it was trying too hard to be artsy and forgot to crank out more dance. And if you judged it my modern dance standards rather than flamenco, it was really amateur, despite having some fantastic dancers performing it ("with pert butts!" Alison would add).

Then, as it was early and I was only one tube stop away, I popped over to [livejournal.com profile] palmer1984's birthday drinks. Comically, my husband was there, too, only exactly not at the time I was. Like he left just before I got there and then returned after I left. I find this funny and telling.

The next day he and I went to Dover to see the castle. It was a really well preserved medieval-style castle (or well restored, who knows), which in addition had a fabulous World War II connection thanks to the underground bunkers all over the site from which things such as the evacuation of Dunkirk took place (my entire knowledge of this comes from reading Connie Willis' Blackout). And there was a bonus Roman building in the form of a lighthouse turned into a belltower for the church.

Unfortunately it has become very cold this week with constant misting rain and I just got too, too cold to enjoy myself at the site (no point wandering the grounds, there was no view and it was miserably wet). This meant I gave up on seeing my sixth play in six days and instead went home to warm up then went out to dinner (with J again). He then went to strike his show while I went to drink red wine and watch David Attenborough at Amy's house. While there, I got a call from Josela inviting me to brunch, which is where I am now going, after which [livejournal.com profile] lovelybug and I will hit a spa. Not a bad weekend overall.
webcowgirl: (Flamenco)
This week has been almost an experiment or sorts (or perhaps it's been an experiment in several ways). I've been to see a show every night - something I haven't done for a really long while - months, really, before August at the earliest. But every show I've seen has been under two hours total, with no interval. Several have been 90 minutes long. This means I'm getting to bed at a reasonable hour - and I like it! Apparently my show stamina is much stronger with sleep. That said, I miss doing Pilates every week - or, rather, twice a week as I had been going to the Y once a week and to see Alison once a week - but I had to dial that down when I started counseling as my budget couldn't manage both.

Anyway, this has meant that I've been writing reviews at a furious pace, though fortunately the tasty flamenco guitar concert [livejournal.com profile] parsingphase and I saw on Wednesday at Sadler's Wells got a pass as I knew, in advance, I wouldn't be able to say much about it. (As it was, what I had to say was, "This show was over-amplified," but that didn't exactly merit a blog post.) I've finished Tuesday's show, The Putnam County Spelling Bee, but the show J and I saw last night, Blue Dragon, will have to wait. I found the show boring, even though it was performed in French and Chinese; it pretty much had nothing to say about Chinese culture at all and wound up feeling like a "Lifetime Television for Movie" production done on the stage. Thank God [livejournal.com profile] robot_mel and I didn't get tickets to see it; I would have been embarassed to have wasted her money.

Tonight's show is Eva Yerbabuena at Sadler's Wells, a show I think I'd wanted to take [livejournal.com profile] dreamsewing to but couldn't due to her work schedule. However, I'm getting to go with Alison, my Pilates instructor, and I'm happy about that. But I'm not going to get much of a rest even on Saturday, as the plans are for [livejournal.com profile] shadowdaddy and me to go to Dover Castle while the English Heritage membership my dad bought us for Christmas over a year ago is still good. Then we'll see his play, Double Falsehood, though fortunately I don't have to review that show, either ... can't really write about something where you know someone who was involved with it, don't you know. And whew!

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