Apr. 4th, 2011

webcowgirl: (Teabag)
Last week I really loaded up for shows, in part, I guess, because I'd been out of town for several weekends in March. I thought I'd get all the reviews done this weekend, but it didn't happen; I stayed up late last night and just got to Wednesday (Umbrellas of Cherbourg, very good but sadly closing in May). The most exciting evening was probably the One to One Festival at the Battersea Arts Center, which once again featured nudity in close quarter, head fuckery, and bonus phobia triggering. Kinda like some parties I've been to.

Anyway, after all that business and not enough sleep, I had a tea party to hostess on Saturday, which I think was a raging success; saw [livejournal.com profile] elbie and bonus new child Z; had probably 15 people here in total and yet we did not run out of cake. In fact, I still have some cake sitting around and I may still be feeling a bit like I had too much to eat on Saturday. I am guessing various body parts are being replaced with butter, like fossilization but on a quicker time scale. I ended the evening playing cards with [livejournal.com profile] shadowdaddy, [livejournal.com profile] solacey_aderyn, A, and [livejournal.com profile] laurenclose. Great Dalmuti, Zombie Fluxx, and Chrononauts - a pretty good evening, really, with bonus late night drinking with L and then with my new roommate.

Sunday I went to Lewes with [livejournal.com profile] wildbadger. It's a cool town, with a castle and a torn down priory, but it also has the most amazing garden at Southover Grange which was completely full of tulips and decorated with bits of architectural salvage from the priory, totally where I would want to get married if, you know, I was doing that kind of thing these days. It was a cool day trip despite the replacement rail service (boo), which I managed to get naps on both ways (yay) but was then aggravating on the return because it missed the train I was hoping to catch by 5 minutes. Still, I got home in time to do a (gasp!) podcast - the As Yet Unnamed London Theater Podcast (it'll be up here in a day or two). I felt so 21st century, like Judy Jetson, kind of an interesting transition after spending my day in the leftovers of the 11th and 15th.Me and tulips, Southover Grange, Lewes. Really a lovely day w... on Twitpic

By the way, in addition to being temporary home to Thomas Paine, the retirement place of Anne of Cleves, and having a 15th Century bookshop, Lewes is also where a battle took place that basically gave England the right to have a house of commons in addition to a king. That, I think, is an awesome bit of history, and the guy who fought for that is right up there with Thomas Jefferson and George Washington in my book. And, you know, Thomas Paine.
webcowgirl: (Tiger monkey)
I am writing this for the benefit of other people who are considering schema therapy, for those who are curious about schema therapy, or for anyone who's been abused as a child and wants to know that they are not alone and also not to blame. It's hard stuff. You're warned.

We started this week by reviewing a questionnaire I'd filled out (and having a brief recap of my week, which I think went well - I said though that I wanted counseling to focus on fixing the foundation and not patching holes and didn't want to talk about the week much). The section we looked at asked a bunch of questions about how you deal with your emotions, say "I feel numb," "I feel like I don't know where my life is going," "I hide from my feelings by drinking/taking drugs/watching TV." I said I had had some dissociative episodes in the last 6 years (starting on my first trip to Lyme Regis), but 1) mostly I didn't feel like I hid from my feelings, I did things to make myself happy that I considered adaptive, not maladaptive 2) when I did things (i.e. November and December) to stop thinking about my feelings, it was because there simply wasn't anything I could do about what was upsetting me and I thought it would be better to try to focus on some happy-making things and give myself a break from the brooding 3) I exercised to try to make myself feel better but I didn't think it was hiding. So ... I'm not sure where we got with this.

This got him to wondering if I'd had dissociative episodes when I was growing up. He asked how I'd dealt with negative emotions growing up and I said ... I really just couldn't remember any more. I knew I was sad and lonely a lot of the time but I don't remember trying to "deal" with it. I remembered I liked to read a lot, as I do now, but I didn't feel like that was really escaping, it was just what I did all the time. I also watched TV with my family. I just couldn't remember very much any more. This led to The bad stuff. I have been abused in the past. Don't read this if you don't want to hear about it. I've avoided the goriest details. )

I told him what made me sad is that after this I seemed to be contaminated. No one, my real dad, my mom, anyone in my family, would try to touch or hold or hug me anymore. So I was starved for physical affection. Read more... )

Anyway, so when it comes to "have I picked up some maladaptive behaviors along the way," well, yeah, I'm willing to cop to maybe having picked some up (though I still don't know what they are), but you know what, I've tried really hard to deal with what life has dealt me and still be a person I can be proud of. And I told him at the beginning of the session I didn't want to talk about how my "anger" drove away people, because I feel like I've only really lost my temper maybe three times in the last ten years, so it's a bit of a non-starter. There are other issues for me to look at more urgently.

Then I walked home along Tooting Common and thought WOO is it cold and thought about the gorgeous Chinese food dinner [livejournal.com profile] wechsler and I had at San Xia Ren Jia on Goodge Street tonight and how deliciously sore I felt from Pilates and that, people, was my Monday.

Profile

webcowgirl: (Default)
webcowgirl

April 2011

S M T W T F S
      12
3 456789
10 11 12 13 14 1516
17181920212223
24252627282930

Most Popular Tags

Style Credit

Expand Cut Tags

No cut tags
Page generated Sep. 22nd, 2017 01:01 am
Powered by Dreamwidth Studios