Feb. 21st, 2011

webcowgirl: (Flamenco)
You know, I wasn't going to do it but I went ahead and wrote up the Eva Yerbabuena show from Friday. Most of my good memories are of sitting in my seat with Alison on my side making comments on the boy dancers' cute butts but I didn't add that into the review - let's just call it some flavor.

Yesterday was just full up, I felt at one point like I was going to have a nervous breakdown but I was pretty sure I'd just had way, way too much caffeine. I was up at 10, at Oval at 12:30 to meet Josh and Mark (I'm in love with Mark, he's the smarted guy I've met in ages and a sweetheart, very happy for Josh to have found such a good partner), spent 90 minutes gossiping about my trainwreck of a life but then wonderfully transitioning into talk about Egypt and Johnny's Seasoned Salt and all other sorts of nonsense, then back to theirs for a brief visit.

They drove me to Marylebone (what! Driving to John Lewis - in Central London? Shock!) for my spa appointment with [livejournal.com profile] lovelybug. This turned out to be a bit of a joke as the address on the Groupon did NOT match the location of the spa. It took us almost an hour to get to where it actually is, and then we had to wait for another 30 minutes or so to be seen. Still, we had a great visit, we loved being steamed and exfoliated (though I got a little overheated in the steam room - lightheaded - and had to go cool off), and we were both nice and mellow for sitting on the soft couches and decompressing afterward. So yay in general.

Then believe it or not it was rush back to Tooting to meet a total stranger for dinner at 7:30. We had a good chat about horses and plants over a bottle of wine and plates of Indian food and it looks like I've found someone to go to the Bartabas horse/man show at Sadler's Wells. We yapped on until 9:30. Overall, a good day but MAN I do not know the concept of a "relaxing Sunday."
webcowgirl: (Tiger monkey)
First, I just had a huge cup of hot chocolate with cinnamon in it. Yum! I deserved it, I did cardio at work today, then I did Pilates with [livejournal.com profile] wechsler at the Y, Carlo as ever kicked our asses, and THEN I had counseling and a half-hour walk across the common (in the brrr) to get back home. So hot chocolate was totally deserved.

Counseling today focused on this "rate each of these statements 1-7 "this isn't like me at all" "this perfectly describes me" " worksheet I filled out. It had about 7 or so questions on each of the different schemas. He focused on the high ones - obviously I feel like I'm socially ostracized (and not because I just feel it, you can't pretend it's in your head when people are going around talking about how they don't want anything to do with you, whatever their reasons are), but I also suffer from the emotional deprivation. However, he was curious because I didn't say I feel like I'm unlovable by anyone who really knows me. I know I'm not: I know at least one person who knows me to the bone and loves me, and one who almost does. I know one of my friends has said in talking about zir depression that zee believed that anyone who said they loved zir had just been fooled by zir. But I know that's not true. That said, I still feel essentially worthless, and doubt that I will have any partner in my life at all this time next year, and think it's quite likely that I won't find someone else who loves me wholeheartedly like that again.

Then we talked about some upcoming changes, and about why I would feel hurt to have Mr Webcowboy say that living with me would be a step backwards in his life. Perhaps, the counselor suggested, I have always been expecting him to leave me, and this just confirms my inner belief that I'm unlovable ... and that's why it hurt so much to feel rejected by him? Who knows.

He also asked me if I thought the sessions were going well, and what I thought he was getting out of them. I guess maybe this is because I feel that people will betray me. Well, I don't think he will, and he has a good rapport with me, and I think he takes pride in his work and wants to leave me better than when he started seeing me. Hopefully he felt reassured. At any rate, the night went quickly, and it's already 11 now that I've written this up and I'm going to bed.

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