Jan. 7th, 2011

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See this picture? Lady Peaceful. Lady Happy. That's who I want to be. Sitting in the sunshine with a cup of tea in one hand and a book I am loving to death in the other. I made it my icon because it's my goal.

I've been completely shit this month - considering it's only the seventh - and have utterly failed to put the brakes on "self-indulgence December." Basically, I spent all of December doing everything I could to have fun, keep it light, "make me laugh," just basically trying really really hard to enjoy myself and keep my spirits up. I read stupid books purely for entertainment value, I went to every Christmas show, I took every opportunity to be with my friends and be out and about and not in my head.

This deliberate focus on being cheerful included refusing to let myself go down the path of exploring thoughts that I knew would lead to me feeling really down; I mean, there's some things that (seriously) you can think about for weeks on end and not make them any better, right? But they will make you feel black and broken inside. So I stuck those deep thinky thoughts (to borrow a phrase from [livejournal.com profile] butterbee) in a box and said, "You're waiting until January."

Now pretty well as soon as January came around, I popped the lid off of the box, did the equivalent of throwing a scoop of catfood and a fresh dish of water in with it, experienced some trauma, then ... went back to work on Tuesday and hopped back on the hedonism express. I bought books I wanted to read, I booked a trip I probably can't really afford to someplace sunny, I picked up a few things in the sales. I signed up for some things I thought would be good for me but which will empty my pockets (counselling, more Pilates). Today I went to Spa London (with [livejournal.com profile] souldier_blue and friends) which, you know, should have been treat enough ... but no, somehow in my brain the purse strings are still open and I went for a half hour massage, too.

I'm kind of trying to feel guilty about it but what I feel is luxurious and yummy and mmmm boy don't I need another. And when can I go back.

And, looking at this trip coming up, I realize it's probably going to cost me even more money when I get there, since I'm planning on doing the open water diving section of the PADI beginner cert while I'm there. And you know what? I'm excited about it. I'm going to study really hard so I'm ready for my one day pool course a week from Saturday and then BOUNCE BOUNCE BOUNCE I'll be looking at cool little fishies all close up just two weeks later and WON'T IT BE SO COOL!!!

Clearly what I need is some assurance that the magic money fairy is going to pay me a visit in February and just make my problems go away. Or something. I like this distraction thing. If I keep it up, I might just start enjoying my life so much that I'm ... actually enjoying myself.

DUDE. I'm going to see Petra. I'm going looking for the Grail with Indiana Jones. How cool is that?

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