Jan. 6th, 2011

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I feel like I will be going to less parties this year due to not being able to manage the stress of social ostracism. I was looking at some upcoming events, two soonish and one late in the summer, and just thinking about them has made my "fight or flight" feelings start creeping around the edges of my consciousness. Why push myself when I can already feel the nervousness and illness this far in advance? Do I really want to keep running out of rooms in tears? People on London transport already are sufficiently traumatized without my adding to their problems.

Congratulations seem due to some people for their work in accomplishing this, though I doubt they'll ever see this post. I don't like being around people who are actively shunning me. Being a bunny walking around in a room full of stoats? I really don't like that feeling at all.

On the other hand, this could be great for my budding career as a fiction writer.

Also: found a schema therapist I can afford. What's sad though is that one of the "life-traps," feelings of rejection, seems focused on problems as a child, but I've clearly got problems as an adult, and not with things I've imagined, they are with people who actively tell me (or publicly announce) they want nothing to do with me. With any luck maybe this guy will tell me what I'm doing wrong; but I note the last counselor basically said I was picking the wrong sort of people to be friends with.

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April 2011

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