webcowgirl: (Tiger monkey)
[personal profile] webcowgirl
So I asked my therapist where we were going today. I said I'd told him everything I really thought there was to say about me, about what made me me, and that I was trying to figure out what maladaptive behaviors I might have, but looking at the book I couldn't find any. I certainly didn't find myself attracted to abusive partners or trying to make my partners abusive so I could "recatch those childhood highs;" similarly I didn't think I sought out partners who were cold so I could relive my childhood rejection from my parents.

He said he thought I might have a bit of a problem with the abandonment thing, but I went over my situation as it stands, and it's not some kind of "oh this really stable relationship here, I just keep fantasizing it's on the verge of collapse" kind of thing, and he seemed to agree that, while I certainly feared and greatly wished to avoid abandonment, it wasn't really something where we were looking at maladaptive behaviors.

He said I also seemed to show a certain amount of emotional flatness, which I find funny in a way - I think I really enjoy my ups and don't surpress my emotions at all.

He then said that, as near as he could tell, I didn't seem to be doing things that would drive people away. I said I thought being depressed drove people away, because they just doing like to deal with it or hear about it. He agreed, then said, "Are you depressed? Because if you are you've been hiding it really well." And I said, "Well, you know, I always come here after Pilates, and I'm always in a good mood afterwards!" But I added that I feel like I've been feeling better and more stable the last four months, no due in part to more stability externally/emotionally (J not being mad at me anymore, mostly, and, you know, things being more settled with my best friend). I'd been having a hard time getting out of bed to go to work in the morning, but that seems to be as much about there being nothing to do at work as anything else.

He then said he felt like I mostly dealt with him as a rational adult who is working on adaptive coping strategies and trying to work to make a better life and self, but that he doesn't see much of the "child" me. And I said, well, it's there, but I am not usually in that headspace between 9 and 10 PM on Mondays; I'm in a "let's look at this and see what we can do to make it better" mode. I partially came here because I wanted friends I could be real with; and I have them; and I can be myself, in all of the highs and lows and ups and downs and rational and "Oooh, look, a giant chocolate bunny!" as the mood takes me, and they're okay with it. Well, some of them are, and the ones that aren't have slowly been dropping away.

And, well, I'm going back next week, and I suspect I'll go a few times in May, but mostly it feels like after tonight there's not much more for schema therapy to do for me. And the happiness program has been fairly well successful and I'm looking forward to going back to having a few more nights for Pilates and a little more cash in pocket.

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April 2011

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