webcowgirl: (Tiger monkey)
[personal profile] webcowgirl
We started yesterday by talking about a dream I had the night before. I was in a house with [livejournal.com profile] miss_bordeaux and her husband; it was sinking into water but simultaneously disintegrating. They were panicking but didn't want me to leave the house. It had left me disturbed when I woke up but I realized later it was a really easy metaphor and not at all about the Japanese tsunami.

He asked me about the feelings I had during the dream (fear and frustration). We then talked a bit about my weekend and how I felt about it; he focused on my desire for acceptance. Then he got on some side track about whether or not I was willing to hear negative things said about myself, and I said I was wanting to hear what he though was useful, not things I already know about myself (like that I am trying to build a family out of whatever I can find given that I don't feel like I have one). I felt like I had to spend rather a lot of time explaining that what he said hadn't annoyed me because he'd hurt my feelings but rather because it was something I'd known about myself for years. Why am I having to reassure him? I told him it was okay if he needed to tell me something about myself that hurt my feelings as I was sure he'd be as nice about it as possible, and I am very thin skinned so it's just likely to happen.

Then he went back to something I'd said before, that I have a very bad temper. He said he thought it would be good to talk about where that anger comes from and when I react to people so negatively that it drives them away. The thing is, it happens so rarely that I didn't really have any good examples to give him. He was trying to convince me that my anger comes from a situation of hurt feelings; whereas I really feel it is about being angry. When I'm only moderately angry, it usually blows away after about ten minutes if I can just talk about it and be heard, and there are no residual feelings of hurt underneath it.

I found today frustrating. Why am I having to reassure him he can talk to me about hard stuff? How much of my time is going to be spent listening to things I already know about myself? To what extent are we going to be going on wild goose chases about things he things are problems because I told him so but which actually have almost no bearing on my life or my relationship with other people? I am beginning to think I may be wasting my time.
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April 2011

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